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Randomness

Thoughts are just swirling through my head today. It was one of my random days, where my thoughts have no connection to each other. There is a feeling of detachedness. I also looked through some of my old writings. Haha. They were okay, not that great though. I need to write to get all of this crap in my head out, and maybe to rant? But I have some friends that I can do that too. Lol. Poor them.

Sometimes my feelings need to be sorted. If I think about someone all the time, I know I like them. The thing is, it’s so tedious to like someone. You become a slave to your emotions and one cannot think clearly. I tend to not think about people in general too much, for fear that I might end up liking someone.

I think I’m a bit stressed lately, to all honesty. I’m not sure how much I can take. I feel like writing depressing poems again… *sigh*

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Phantom Candle

Phantom Candle

Into the black night,

lighted up only by God’s rage.

A sound rumbles in the windswept heavens,

and the sky cries the tears of my heart.

I walked out to the edge of the lake,

the wind cutting my skin like a knife.

I feel it not, for the pain of my soul numbs all feeling.

I loved you.

I hated you.

And then you were gone.

No one to hold my hand in this treacherous world,

no one to wipe away my tears.

You could have saved me from myself

But now you are gone and I fall,

fall,

into the deepest chasm of darkness,

of the never ending abyss.

I try to claw my way out, try to pull myself out, but to no prevail.

I cannot do this alone.

Oh if only! If only,

you were here to guide me!

Another flash in the tempestuous sky,

and I see your phantom face.

It is you?

Is it really you?

Your touch on my skin,

makes the icy water around me warm.

Your gaze is tender and accepting.

Are you to release me from this pain?

You reach out a hand and I grasp it,

feeling its firmness in my hand.

You shall be my light in the darkness,

my candle in the eve of winter,

and you will guide me through this raging storm that threatens to consume our world…

This poem is about a person who loved. Their lover dies and they end up alone in this world. They decide to suicide, to find this person that they love in the other world. It describes the lake on a stormy night, and their soul is crying out for help. They hallucinate, and see the person’s face. They reach out and take the hand. At that moment, they actually die. It’s more like, they wanted to see the person so much, to the point that they hallucinate and follow that shadow without realizing where they are going. When they make that conscious decision to accept the person’s hand, they die.

This poem is full of pain, because of the passing of a beloved. Yet at the same time, they are relieved to find the one they love, even if it’s after death. They will go to any means to find this person. Thus, this poem is also about love. Love felt so strongly that they’ll be willing to even to through death for this person.

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Kurou no Mizu

Into the night,

darkness embraces me,

welcomes me.

I smile,

no more regrets,

no more bonds to this world.

The ocean crashes against the cliffs,

the wind stirs, kissing my face.

There will be no taint on my soul or body,

no wounds.

No pain, no fear, and no more confusion.

As I walk into the water,

it embraces me, consumes me.

I let out a breath, finally able to breathe.

I let myself slip

and the waters close over me,

cleansing me of all sin.

I drift in the silence of the ocean,

the cradle of the womb of my soul.

I float in the eternal darkness,

nothing to ever hurt me again.

I sigh contently, finally at peace.

The walls of black calming my hurting heart,

and I see nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing.

The blackness encloses over me and I welcome the sensation, smiling

I close my eyes and drift…

This poem actually started out initially as a paragraph, in a story form. That’s because a lot of time I envision things in my mind, and I try to capture that image with the words I want. Later, I decided to try to write it into poem form and it turned out pretty well.  In this poem I try to explain how the element water is felt to me.

Death by water is gentle in this poem, and it’s not a poem of depression. Instead, it’s a poem of joy, that this person can die like that. Yes, the subject itself is morbid, but can you see and feel the joy that this person has? This poem is also me envisioning why people would want to suicide. Maybe they really felt that was a relief, and that was happiness. I suppose, this is the side of the suicidal tendencies that people may never get to tell, so I tried to tell it for them. Was I successful, I wonder?

The title itself is Japanese. I think it would translate literally as “Black Water”. In Chinese, 黑色的水. The blackness encompasses and covers, a relief, just like death. Maybe these people die because they want to be forever safely covered, to never be alone. Who knows?

Edit: I was listening to Crawling by Linkin Park when I was writing this. It sort of inspired me. There were some references to water in that song. 😀

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The other day, a friend asked me how I wrote. I opened my mouth to answer with with some flippant response, but caught myself in time. I paused, and thought for a bit. I started explaining my process of writing, and than just emotions were spewing across the page. I realized that I REALLY had a passion for writing, and that I really like to write. At least, to write things that were inspired, and not a stupid homework assignment.

Music is a very big factor in my poetry and writing. I believe that what a person is listening to influences their emotion. Thus, sometimes I’m influenced by the lyrics, or sometimes, even just the melody of it. Inspiration strikes me in an instant, and I have this overwhelming urge to write. What to do,  what to do? There’s no paper around. I groan inwardly, only hoping that I can remember what I wanted to write. But I know the moment has been lost, and what I might write later will pale in comparison to what I might have written.

So yes, writing really helps me. Yea, the angsts of a young adolescent teenager. *rolls eyes* There was a time when I was in 7th grade and in a real slump. I couldn’t understand back then. I was quite, now that I think about it, it felt like I wasn’t really living at all. It felt like I was bipolar, hyper one instance, and depressed the next. I couldn’t really stand how dull everything felt. The thing is, with me, small trivial things may seem like big important things, especially if it’s things about the world that I couldn’t change.That’s to say…Maybe I was starting to realize the true meaning of the word “Jaded”. So one day, I just decided to write all of those emotions down. Even though I had written some before, it wasn’t really something that I considered a hobby until then. So my first poem from that moment, a snapshot of my life at that moment:

Tears of Blood

I cry Tears of Blood,

so much sorrow in this world.

All in me,

so much.

I feel I will burst.

Want to cry but cannot

for all my tears have dried up.

Want to die but cannot

for I have no courage to do so.

This world of lies,

So full of pain.

People crying.

People dying.

Why is there so much evil and hurt in this world?

Will love soothe my wounds?

Will water save my soul?

I can do nothing

but cry Tears of Blood.

There is no hope, no salvation, no forgiveness for us,

even the most pure.

For we have strayed too far from the true path,

the path we were meant to take.

And all I can do is cry tears of crimson blood.

And hope, hopelessly hoping

for our forgiveness and all the innocent left.

Such a cruel thing,

hope.

A light appears

and I cry again.

Were all those times I laughed, lies?

Tears of Blood.

This poem is pretty straight forward. I’m lamenting at how cruel the world is, and how even the best people fall because of this so-called civilization of ours. It has a very bleak and stark message. Is there no hope? There isn’t anymore, and yet even though I know that, I still can not do anything. I can’t do anything because I can’t cry, nor can I try to die.

In my “emo” poems, water is a very profound symbol and something I really like to use. Water has always been associated with hope, salvation, or death. Water has always been my favorite element. This is because water, to me, is ever flowing. It can wrap you can hold you gently, and still turn against you with the harsh hand of indifference. Water can be so beautiful and clear, or cloudy and moody. It’s unpredictable and yet water is the more gentle and forgiving out of the other ones because of the merciful death it can grant.

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Well, as I’m sure we all know, the presidential candidates for 2008’s elections are John McCain and Barack Obama . There are ten candidates in total, but as always, the biggest political showdown is between the Democratic and Republican Party.

I’m going to pick on McCain first. 😀

John McCain is the current senator of the state of Arizona. He is also part of the Republican Party, and is a Vietnam War veteran. He had previously ran for presidential campaign in 2000 but lost against George W. Bush. His running mate is Sarah Palin, the current governor of Alaska. He is currently 72 years old, which could be a good thing, or not, depending on how you see it. Living that long, and having been in office for more than 30 something years might have let him acquire mounds of experience. But that might also not be the case. There are many people that have gone through the Great Depression and such, and still not know a thing about economy. Also, because he has such a military background, he might see things in a military perspective, which would not be a good thing for our country.

I mean, after all, seeing the Bush administration spending most of our funds on the war is draining our economy. And because our economy is down, so is the rest of the world( not meaning to sound superior, but the most of the economy of other countries are linked to ours). McCain also plans to stay in Iraq until we emerge as the victor. While it is better for us to finish the war, and not have the same feud arise again, it is not doing a thing for our country right now. 20 min of the war in Iraq could fund our NASA space program for a year. That is how much money is being wasted. We have already wasted 5 years, it should be enough.

McCain also makes many contradictory statements. He wishes to stay in Iraq until we emerge victorious, and wants to expand military and build missile defense system, and at the same time, lower taxes. How is that possible? It puzzled me at first, until I had a friend of my explain it to me.  Apparently, we are spending a lot of money on useless programs right now, and those money will be used to fund these programs… BUT!… Why not first pay off our DEBT??????  Our $53 TRILLION debt first? oO… Geez. I really don’t have anything much else to say about him. Huh. Well, he might also be a pretty good president because he is different from Bush. oO… Just saying, ya know.

But he did also make a mistake selecting Palin as his running mate.  Yuck. Valley girl Palin. I feel embarrassed for her, though I don’t know why. I really dislike her. I mean c’mon, “I have diplomatic skills because Alaska is right next to Russia”…. *Facepalms* I won’t even go there. =.=

Next, Obama. It is true that he is young, with only 3 or so years of experience, as the senator of Illinois. There’s also the fact that he is of African descent. Now, I myself am fine with that. But the point is that there are still a lot of supremacists out there, as shown by the attempted assassination plan from the skinheads. I also dislike how much Obama talks. “Change, change, blah blah blah”. No thanks, I have enough pocket money in my pocket. =.= But there is the saying that the people who talk the most are the ones that need to prove something to other people. Hm. But I also think he is going to win because a lot of young people like him, and Oprah is also pulling votes for him. His ethnicity might also help him is some ways. There are a lot of African Americans in this country.

I also heard this joke about him. It’s not intended to be offensive, but I thought it was kind of funny. The joke was: What is difference between Obama and Osama? (Osama being Osama bin Laden of course). The answer? BS. HA! Now the answer can go two ways, the way their names is spelled, and the fact that all Obama does is talk about change, while Osama actually did what he said he would. Get it? lol.

Something that works in Obama’s favor is his experience in diplomatic areas. I also approve of his raising taxes on the wealthy. He also says he’s to send ambassadors to Afghanistan and Iraq. I suppose that’s a good call too, but that might take a year of two for our troops to come home.

The only person I probably like is Joe Biden, the senator for Delaware. He has 30 something years of experience.  I think he’d be pretty good. Hm… But I still think it would have been better to have Al Gore, who knows?

Well, the only way to know who’s going to win is to watch the news next Tuesday. I only have one more thing to say. Whoever wins will have his work cut out for him, and will have to left a heavy burden, to gradually raise this country but on it’s feet after all that’s happened during the Bush administration.

I will also be talking about the propositions of California next time.

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Hm… I think this is actually the first time I’ve actually blogged… Huh… Wow. Well, still have to learn how! lol. I finally finished the anime Natsume Yuujinchou…. After stopping at episode 7 and putting it off for a month. I’ve also started The Wallflower. I’m already on episode 11 and I just started today. HA! Well, I suppose this will be somewhat like an anime blog and my own personal one. We’ll see how it plays out! Well, ja ne~

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MY first header, made by me.

MY first header, made by me.

Well… I spent all night trying to make this. Gah! I couldn’t find a good pic of what I wanted for Miyavi…

Well, the 3 of the are visual kei artists. Kamijo is from the band Versailles. Their English name is Versailles -Philharmonic Quartet- They verily new, only formed in 2007. Kamijo is the vocal singer. While he isn’t the best singer, the band’s guitar and melody are pretty good. I especially like their song, “Prince”. There are 5 members of the band, all male. 2 of them dress as girls though, and very convincingly too.

Jasmine You, Teru, Kamijo, Yuki, Hizaki

Jasmine You, Teru, Kamijo, Yuki, Hizaki

Anyways, the 2nd person is my beloved Gackt-sama! He is sooo awesome. Gackt has such a large fan base cuz he’s been in the music scene for quite a while. He used to be part of the visual kei band Malice Mizer. I first heard his song, Vanilla, and then I started looking him up! He’s so awesome. He has a solo career now, called the GacktJob. His new single, Jesus, is coming out in December. I cant wait!

Him with his signature sunglasses.

Him with his signature sunglasses.

Then, lastly, is 雅-miyavi-. He is awesome too. I didn’t really like his singing at first, because he used to be a guitarist so he doesn’t really know how to sing. But after listening to his 2008 album, This Iz the Japanese Kabuki Rock, I also fell in ❤ with him! KYA~~~~ *ahem* He’s gotten better at singing, and I love how unique his style is. He also seems very kawaii and young-ish. Anyways, he’s a neo-visualism visual kei artist. He took out his lip-ring (which I thought made him really smexy T_T), and cut his hair.

I really like this pic of miyavi's hair. It does make him look a bit like a girl though. lol

I really like this pic of miyavi

And this is just a extra news. I can’t wait for more things to come from the new superband, S.K.I.N. Formed at the 2007 AX convention, this supergroup consists of Gackt, miyavi, YOSHIKI, and SUGIZO. They are all super famous with huge fan bases. Gackt is from Malice Mizer, miyavi is younger than the other 3, so he probably doesn’t have as a fabulous background, YOSHIKI was once part of the famous band, X Japan, and SUGIZO was part of the legendary band, Luna Sea.

The band's logo.

The band's logo

Even though he's old, I think this pic is pretty hot. LOL

SUGIZO. Even though he's pretty old, I think he's pretty hot.

YOSHIKI of X Japan

YOSHIKI of X Japan

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