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Broken heart taped back together. The image is not mine, no credit goes to me!

Broken heart taped back together. The image is not mine, no credit goes to me!

DIY: A How to Guide to Putting a Heart Back Together

Unhealthy obsessions
too late. No more sound.
My eyes seal
because light has gone away.
Fucked up in my head. Blood is
gore. Brings laughter.
Sunshine warped
light snuffed. Stilted words.
Thoughts incomplete. Death and
Darkness simultaneously. Scratching
of pen. Words crossed out. A sorrowful, sighing
sound. Hearts once cracked open, starts
to mend. A little. Just a pinch but splits
apart again. Start over. Sew it up. Uneven
stitching. Threatens to shatter, duct tape is silver.
Once more attempt, shall not fail.
Last resort: super glue.

I wrote this when I was feeling a little suffocated and caged in, not a good thing for me, you know. ‘Cuse the cussing, I put it in to add impact. Hope you enjoyed it~ (:

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Phantom Candle

Phantom Candle

Into the black night,

lighted up only by God’s rage.

A sound rumbles in the windswept heavens,

and the sky cries the tears of my heart.

I walked out to the edge of the lake,

the wind cutting my skin like a knife.

I feel it not, for the pain of my soul numbs all feeling.

I loved you.

I hated you.

And then you were gone.

No one to hold my hand in this treacherous world,

no one to wipe away my tears.

You could have saved me from myself

But now you are gone and I fall,

fall,

into the deepest chasm of darkness,

of the never ending abyss.

I try to claw my way out, try to pull myself out, but to no prevail.

I cannot do this alone.

Oh if only! If only,

you were here to guide me!

Another flash in the tempestuous sky,

and I see your phantom face.

It is you?

Is it really you?

Your touch on my skin,

makes the icy water around me warm.

Your gaze is tender and accepting.

Are you to release me from this pain?

You reach out a hand and I grasp it,

feeling its firmness in my hand.

You shall be my light in the darkness,

my candle in the eve of winter,

and you will guide me through this raging storm that threatens to consume our world…

This poem is about a person who loved. Their lover dies and they end up alone in this world. They decide to suicide, to find this person that they love in the other world. It describes the lake on a stormy night, and their soul is crying out for help. They hallucinate, and see the person’s face. They reach out and take the hand. At that moment, they actually die. It’s more like, they wanted to see the person so much, to the point that they hallucinate and follow that shadow without realizing where they are going. When they make that conscious decision to accept the person’s hand, they die.

This poem is full of pain, because of the passing of a beloved. Yet at the same time, they are relieved to find the one they love, even if it’s after death. They will go to any means to find this person. Thus, this poem is also about love. Love felt so strongly that they’ll be willing to even to through death for this person.

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I feel like it’s a season of failing love in my family right now. My oldest sister, Yani, has been with her boyfriend for over 3 years now, and they have broken up. My other sister, Julia, has been with her boyfriend for…a year and a half, and they are perhaps going separate ways soon.

Us sisters have perhaps, unrealistic expectations toward men. Why is that? This is because of our father. The image he projects and the way he is. My mother is a very difficult woman to live with, and the fact that he could stay married to her for over 20 years, is in my opinion, a miracle. My father isn’t a pushover, but he always accepted my mother’s fickle emotions and tyrant personality.  I always thought this was because he has a big heart. He can accept harsh words and still love. Could I do that? That seems so difficult, especially since us sisters are very like our mother, no matter how reluctant we are to admit that.

I realised a while back that the closer people are to me, the worse I treat them. This has always puzzled me. It seems so contradictory. Why should that be? Are we not, as creatures of love, suppose to treat those even closer to us with unconditional love?  This mystery has been solved last month. My oldest sister, Yani, says that we are like our mom. In the aspect that we can treat the people close to us worse if because we believe that they would never leave us. We are family after all, right? Family is always suppose to stay together, no matter what. But this isn’t true, it isn’t true at all. The people closest to us, no matter how much it pains them, no matter how much they love us, can always leave us. We must never take their love, their trust for granted, lest they fly away. So I suppose what they give us is a very precious treasure that we must guard well, yes?

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